CONTINUING my football nostalgia blogs with an overseas theme during this current World Cup…
I had a peculiar experience on a reporting trip to Iceland in 1984. I was covering UEFA Cup action between the local KR Reykjavik team and Queens Park Rangers. This was quite straightforward with the R’s winning 3-0 in a stadium sitting under the shadow of a volcanic mountain.
But the fun and games started afterwards when a group of QPR fans decided to go nightclubbing. It would have been rude of me not to join the party.
They were selling some local brew from an unmarked bottle behind the bar which was simply known as ‘Pure Alcohol’. I’ll never forget how one guy knocked his glass over and the liquid started sizzling and stripping varnish off the table. So people were getting drunk very quickly.
Now the club was full of Icelandic women. But the lads from London were having absolutely no luck in making conversation with them.
The ladies seemed rather aloof. They certainly didn’t like the English patter, some of which certainly got totally lost in translation...
“Yeah, we went on a tour of your natural spas and geysers today. But I wasn’t impressed because I know loads of geezers back home in London...”
Anyway as one of the few sober people in the room, I was asked by the QPR supporters to find out what was needed to make friends with a lady in Reykjavik. So I approached an Icelandic chap at the bar to request his help.
“Excuse me,” I said. “I’m with this group from London. The lads are very interested in talking to your local women but they’re having no joy. Can you tell me what the problem is please?”
“Aha,” he said. “I have been observing your colleagues and they are being far too direct with the ladies. In my country, it is traditional to show respect and take your time when talking to a woman in a nightclub.”
“So what do you recommend?”
“You have to take an interest in her. Ask about her home life and her hobbies. Ask about her job. Ask about her family background. And if eventually she agrees to have a drink with you in the nightclub, then that means that she quite likes you.”
“A drink...”
“But you must keep the conversation going. Remain very charming. Ask her what she likes doing in her spare time. Ask about her ambitions. Ask if she has any pets. And if the lady eventually agrees to have a second drink with you, then she does indeed like you.”
“A second drink...”
“But you must keep the dialogue flowing. Continue to take an interest. Ask what sort of music she likes. Ask what makes her laugh. Ask what films she likes. And if she eventually agrees to have a third drink with you, then she’s almost yours.”
“A third drink...”
“But you mustn’t rest on your laurels. This is the important bit. Ask her if she likes travelling. Ask her where she sees herself in ten years’ time. Ask what she looks for in a man. And if the lady finally agrees to have a fourth drink with you, then she is going to spend the night with you.”
“A fourth drink…”
“Yes.”
“Wow, that’s incredible. I’ve never heard anything like that before. Thank you so much for your help.”
“That’s ok. Now don’t forget that the fourth drink will be your milestone. Your yardstick. It will take several hours of polite conversation but it is the guarantee in Iceland that you have won the lady’s attention.”
So armed with this most interesting information, I went back over to the QPR supporters who were staggering around drunk next to the dancefloor. They crowded about me in a football-style huddle and I explained the whole Icelandic ritual in detail.
I said: “Right lads, this is the situation with the women here. You have to talk to them, take an interest...talk, talk, talk...ONE DRINK, she quite likes you...talk, talk, talk...TWO DRINKS, she does like you...talk, talk, talk...THREE DRINKS, she’s almost yours...talk, talk, talk, talk, talk...FOUR DRINKS, she’s going to spend the night with you...Guaranteed…”
The London guys listened intently, making a mental note of what was required in the nightclub. Then all of a sudden, one of our group launched himself forward.
He had a huge beer belly, shaven head, tattoos all up his arms, three earrings and bulging bulldog eyes. Without hesitation, he approached the nearest woman in the room.
And he said: “Excuse me? Excuse me? Would you like four drinks?”
*Credit for all of the photos in this article belongs to @TonyIncenzo*
FIRST PUBLISHED: 16th December 2022
