Football jokes come and go like the weather. One week, fans are laughing at Manchester United, the next Chelsea are the brunt of all jokes.

But one thing that is consistent is that football and humour go hand-in-hand. Here, we take a look at some of the best football jokes around.

Football Jokes:

Try these one-liners out on your fellow football fans next time you’re in the pub and checking football betting odds before the big game.

Funniest Football Jokes:

  1. What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle United fan rolling down a hill!

  2. What do Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi and a magician all have in common? All three do hat-tricks.

  3. What is a ghost’s favourite position on the football pitch? Ghoul-keeper.

  4. What did the referee say to the South American footballer who lied about deliberately handling the ball at the World Cup? I don’t Bolivia!

  5. Why was the best footballer in the world asked to tidy his room? Because he was Messi.

  6. What does a West Ham United fan do after winning the Premier League? Turn off the Xbox.

  7. What is a footballer’s favourite drink? Penal-tea.

  8. What do you call a footballer who brings a length of rope onto the football pitch? The skipper.

  9. What football club do sheep support? Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-rcelona.

  10. How many Manchester City fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

Funny Football Jokes:

  1. Why was Cinderella booted off the local football team? Because she kept running away from the ball.

  2. What’s the difference between Leeds United and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup for longer.

  3. What is the chilliest ground in the Premier League? Cold Trafford.

  4. What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves? The sideline.

  5. Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket!

  6. What do you call someone who stands inside the goalposts and stops the ball from rolling away? Annette.

  7. Which famous female footballer is also a hip-hop star? Megan Rap-inoe.

  8. Who is the slipperiest footballer on the planet? Antoine Grease-man.

  9. How did the football pitch get wet? The players dribbled all over it!

  10. Why was the chicken sent off? For persistent fowl play.

Football Jokes One Liners:

  1. I didn’t do very well in my football teamwork exam… I didn’t pass!

  2. Mauricio Pochettino must have hurt his leg whilst at Tottenham Hotspur. He was always relying on a Kane.

  3. I was playing Football Manager when I was offered the Arsenal job out of the blue. I knew it was a poor squad so I declined the offer. Then, I put the phone down and went back to playing Football Manager!

  4. My partner just ended our relationship because of my obsession with football. I’m quite sad about it – we’d been dating for three seasons.

  5. My laptop has the Kepa Arrizabalaga virus – it can’t save anything!

  6. My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers. They've started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.

  7. My mate left two Tottenham tickets on his car dashboard the other day. Someone smashed the window and left a couple more!

  8. Playing football is addictive and I want to stop but I just can't seem to kick the habit.

  9. My girlfriend is the star goalie of her local football team... she's a keeper.

  10. A wife says to her husband: "Choose, it's either me or football." The husband responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

Bad Football Jokes:

  1. Why did Shakira marry a football player? For his stamina mina, eh eh!

  2. Which football team loves ice cream? Aston Vanilla!

  3. What's a goalkeeper's favourite snack? Beans on post.

  4. What's the difference between the Invisible Man and the Scotland national team? You've got more chance of seeing the Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals!

  5. What should you do if Liverpool's midfield steals your car? Call the Klopps.

  6. Where do Jedi play football? On the force field!

  7. Have you heard about the new Everton bra? It has a lot of support but no cups.

  8. What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship!

  9. What do you call a Frenchman playing on a Nintendo Console? Thierry on Wii.

  10. Why didn't the dog want to play football? Because he was a boxer.

Soccer Jokes:

  1. Why are soccer players so artistic? Because every game ends in a draw.

  2. Which soccer team has nailed their formation? The Hammers.

  3. How do soccer players stay so cool during matches? They stand near the fans...

  4. What did the soccer coach do when the pitch became flooded? He sent on his subs.

  5. What is the best place in America to shop for a new soccer kit? New Jersey!

  6. What do you call a person from England in the FIFA World Cup final? The referee.

  7. Why did the soccer player hold a boot up to his ear? Because he liked sole music!

  8. How did the soccer pitch end up as a triangle? Somebody took a corner.

  9. Why can't you play soccer in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs.

  10. Who scored the most soccer goals in the Greek Mythology League? The centaur forward!

Soccer Pick Up Lines:

  1. Do you have a soccer jersey? Because I need your name and number.

  2. I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.

  3. Is your name Arjen? Because you're Robben my heart.

  4. I must say - you're more beautiful than the beautiful game.

  5. My name must be Ashley Young because I'm falling for you.

  6. Hey, is your name Vincent? Because I really need your Kompany.

  7. If you were a soccer ball, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.

  8. You're hotter than the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.

  9. It doesn't Mata about the others - I am the Juan for you.

  10. I don't play soccer but you are my goal.


Stephen Tudor is a freelance football writer and sports enthusiast who only knows slightly less about the beautiful game than you do.

A contributor to FourFourTwo and Forbes, he is a Manchester City fan who was taken to Maine Road as a child because his grandad predicted they would one day be good.