In the next couple of weeks the British establishment will once again seek to officially recognise the very best of this small isle, from long-serving volunteers to glamorous film stars, in the form of the New Year’s Honours list.
A tradition that dates back centuries, the giving out of such gongs aims to celebrate those who have shown dedication to – and excellence in - their craft and though football is always acknowledged, some deserving souls will inevitably be over-looked.
May we therefore humbly put forward these fine footballing names, should the higher-uppers happen to be online and struggling for suggestions.
Steve Speed MBE
It is typically MBEs that are allocated to the ‘ordinary’ people. Us. From lollipop ladies who play a pivotal role in their community to bin men who go that extra mile. Basically, if you don’t have a stylist or PA, this is the highest honour on offer.
‘Speedy’ was head groundsman at Port Vale for 31 years and worked at Vale Park for 43 years, retiring in 2022.
A deserving candidate in his own right, he is included here to represent the thousands of loyal and diligent individuals who work tirelessly behind the scenes at clubs all over the land, to ensure we have a game of football to watch on a Saturday afternoon.
Jamie Vardy OBE
At the risk of going all ‘class warrior’, the vodka-skittling Vardy is unlikely to ever be bequeathed an OBE. Frank Lampard has one. So has David Beckham.
These are respected pillars of society. Company men.
The consistently prolific Leicester striker meanwhile has always been distinctly anti-establishment in everything he does, punking the Premier League for a decade and more while terrorising centre-backs into the bargain.
Now a seasoned 36, retirement is surely on the horizon, so what more fitting time to honour a player who once made a mockery of the football odds by firing the Foxes to a fairy tale title. In 2020 he became the oldest player to win the Golden Boot merit.
Anarchic and brilliant, Jamie Richard Vardy is thoroughly deserving of having letters after his name.
Pep Guardiola CBE
Excluding knighthoods and damehoods, this is as grand an honour as it gets, CBEs usually given to those who have not simply excelled in their field but innovated; changed the field in which they work.
Previous recipients include Stephen Hawking and the playwright Harold Pinter.
Outright Winner - Manchester City
Granted, Guardiola being Catalan presents something of a problem but exceptions can be made for individuals who ‘bring distinction through their work to the UK’.
Given that half of English football now plays an inferior version of Pep-ball, and factoring in Manchester City’s continental success and outright dominance of the sports betting, that makes the follicly-challenged genius a shoo-in.
Sir Richard Keys
Of course this isn’t a serious suggestion, and of course there are literally countless others in the footballing sphere who are more worthy.
Off the top of the head, how about Martin Tyler, the voice of the game to two separate generations?
But consider how pompous and self-important ‘Keysy’ is. Now imagine what he’d be like if everyone had to address him as ‘sir’. The delusions of grandeur alone would be hilarious.
Dame Gabby Logan
Let’s not give a former failed Bristol Rovers manager the oxygen he craves but via his social media meltdowns, women in football has sadly become a conversation again.
The tired, old sexist tropes were belched out anew when Mary Earps recently won the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year.
Gabby Logan has encountered such ignorance many times over, always rising above it to impeccably present World Cups, Champions League finals and Match of the Day.
Supremely good at her job, she puts every viewer at ease because they know they’re in safe hands.
Starting out as a presenter on Sky Sports in the mid-Nineties, she has amassed a remarkable C.V. that has taken in every major network and covered not only football, but rugby and athletics.
Indeed, Dame Gabby Logan is everything that the failed Pirates boss is not, an ‘everything’ that can be boiled down to a single word. She is class.
*Credit for all of the photos in this article belongs to Alamy*
