Villainy comes in many forms and throughout this series we will no doubt be castigating some real rotters. Andrew George Hinchcliffe is not one of them.
Or at least that can safely be assumed, because we don’t need any betting odds to tell us that away from the microphone, the former Manchester City and Everton full-back is very likely a lovely fella.
He probably offers up autographs willingly and helps old ladies across roads. Indeed, through the grapevine, we have only heard nice things.
When doing co-comms however, up in the gantry alongside whichever unfortunate commentator has to endure his constant carping, a strange transformation takes place, akin to Jekyll and Hyde.
For there he is consumed by the spirits of Ebenezer Scrooge, Victor Meldrew and Squidward Tentacles all at once.
So naturally negative is Hinchcliffe he can suck the enthusiasm from any game, which in an odd way is quite the accomplishment.
It's a grind to listen to Andy Hinchcliffe's constant criticism of players, isn't it.
— Stephen Tudor (@SteTudor123) April 18, 2022
Before his scowling visage could be an eagerly awaited top-of-the-table clash, featuring some of the most brilliantly gifted players of their generation and with barely a fraction in the Premier League odds to separate them, but from his monotone, moaning narration we are only witnessing a chore.
Skill. Excitement. Goals. None of these things matter. All that does is that soon the ordeal will be over, and Hinchcliffe can return to shouting at clouds.
While also telling those clouds why their shape is all wrong, because if the 53-year-old’s downbeat demeanour reduces the beautiful game to a tax return, his unrelenting criticism of all before him utterly exasperates.
Honestly, you would think that a left-back, whose career on Wikipedia amounts to precisely 11 lines, was actually the greatest player who ever lived.
A winner of multiple World Cups. A dazzling phenomenon who single-handedly hauled his sides to continental domination.
A fizzing shot goes just wide. He should have done much better there. He needed to aim it better and get it inside the post. Well, duh.
Hinchcliffe could suck the flavour out of a milkshake.
— Stephen Tudor (@SteTudor123) August 21, 2022
An individual run leaves four opponents in the mud but the keeper pulls off a spectacular save.
Hinchcliffe’s response is to run back the VT to highlight the exact moment when the player should have squared it to a team-mate. Selfish. What was he thinking?
Had he been on the mic when Diego Maradona scored his magical second against England in 1986, the Three Lions defence would have been critically torn apart, with the Argentinian genius lambasted for not finding the exact centre of the goal.
It has reached the point now where Hinchcliffe is introduced ahead of kick-off and a collective groan is emitted across social media. Because people were really looking forward to that particular game.
And now they figuratively have to spend ninety minutes stuck in the corner at a party, listening to a recently divorced man complaining about his lawyer, and where he went wrong.
Andrew George Hinchcliffe is not a villain in the conventional sense. But his repeated ruining of a game so adored is most definitely a crime.
*Credit for all of the photos in this article belongs to AP Photo*
FIRST PUBLISHED: 18th January 2023
